All I wanted was to say goodbye

I’ve known this day was coming.  I wasn’t expecting it to be today.  I also was expecting it to be today, if that makes any sense.  I think that’s why I sent the text

Would you have told me if I hadn’t texted?  Or would I have found out days later thanks to Instagram or Facebook?  That question will haunt me for months

I cycle quickly through different stages of grief.  Skipping denial and acceptance, for the most part

Anger… why today?  why wouldn’t you tell me?  why do you keep avoiding saying goodbye?

Depression… did I not matter?  is this the end of our friendship?  will I ever see you again?

All I wanted was to say goodbye

Is it too hard for you?  Or too easy, not worth the trouble.  That question will also haunt me for months

I send another text.  Wishing you the best.  Sending my love and that I will miss you.  Holding you to the lunch we were supposed to have this week

You reply “Deal”

No love, no missing, just Deal.  So we will see each other again out of obligation?

I wanted more.  I needed more.  I expected… well, about this

I get through work, somehow.  I feel alone for the first time despite being working home alone for nearly 2 years

I try to put it… you… out of my mind.  Hell, I’ve been trying to do that for years.  One of these days, it will work

We had some good times since we met.  Some bad ones too.  Through it all, I thought we had built something meaningful for both of us.  Was I wrong?

Haunt… months…

I wanted to do it last week, but you said wait.  We were going to get together that one last time.  We would do it then

Did you know?  That we would not get together and that you would sneak away and leave me alone to the bad thoughts in my head?

All I wanted was to say goodbye